Chapter 5: The portion of the reading that grabbed me was in the first few pages when he realized his position and potential as a conductor. By potential I am not referring to the areas where only he himself could grow, but he realized that his gift in being a conductor was not only about him. He recognized that it was not about making his players "fulfill his musical will", but rather "enabling the musicians to play each phrase as beautifully as they were capable." (p.69) I apply this to my life as a teacher. When I first got out of school, the goal was to make it through the year ending up on the principal's good side, receiving recommendation at the least. The next year my goal became a little more self-centered. I wanted to show my stuff and to do so the kids had to do as I wanted and respond the way I had envisioned. This of course would win over the critics and boost my ego a billion notches. At the end of last year, I realized that I had made it through the year, but the kids didn't perform to their greatest potential. It was at that point that my heart was convicted of what it really means to be a teacher. Realizing the potential and others and desiring their success above your own makes you move, think, and act completely different than previously. I can identify with Mr. Conductor 100%. It is a life changing realization, that has lasting effects.
Chapter 6: This chapter, or Rule # 6, has personal meaning as well. When I was dating my now husband, we had a blow up fight one day. In a nutshell, he never took anything seriously. He was 30+, working at movie theater and cutting grass, living at home with his parents, degreeless, and driving around in a car that needed to be taken to the shop for an immediate visit. It bothered me that I, who was 6 years his minor, had a degree, had a job in my field, was living in a house with a dog, paying all of my bills...etc...you can see where this was headed. And one day he just came out and said, "You think you are better than me." And I believe my response may have been yes in one language or another. I had achieved success by man's measurements. Truth of the matter was, I was not happy at all. I was looking for my next achievement marker so I could get my next fix of joy. He on, the other hand was not happy either with his situation, but realized what his dreams and goals were and was not going to compromise them just to meet milestones that didn't matter really in the grand scope of life. He knew what made him happy, he knew what he really wanted to do to feel like he fulfilled his purpose and he was just living the life he had to until he could do more. He said he figured it out late in life and he hates that fact. But now that he had less time, he wasn't going to waste on others opinions and mile markers. I learned the truth about Rule number 6 that day. I have never been able to forget it. I am still working on lightening up, but I know that it is necessary for our marriage and for my growth as a person. I desire the central self to shine through. Every now and again I get in a real serious, playful mood about everything just about. My husband always says one of two things, "There she is!" or "I love it when you are being yourself." I used to question what he meant, but I realize now he is talking about the calculating self vs. the central self.
Chapter 7: This chapter kind of speaks to my current situation. The way things are right now are less than ideal. Way less. Technically, I am homeless, pregnant, and am taking a $11,000 pay cut this year. I have battled depressing thoughts and feelings trying to see the silver lining. I find it true that when you acknowledge the way things are and pair them with your feelings about it, realizing that it is okay to do so, you find a certain kind of freedom. This freedom breaks down the solid wall that seemingly stands directly in front of you. However, looking at the problem carefully and not resigning to accepting a negative situation as is, opens up tons of doors. There is no telling what job my arise for my husband. Since we have been married, it has just been my salary. Moving here, if he gets a job, we will have far more to work with than we ever had. Earning less on my end, actually makes me eligible for some healthy baby programs that I was not eligible for before. So I know that my baby will be taken care of. Making less, qualifies us for nicer housing in this particular area. Everything else in our old price range would have not been ideal because the cost of living here is higher...the silver lining. Had I quit with the negative, that is all there would be. My situation will be ideal in the near future. Just have to go through the fire for one more month.
Chapter 8: Giving way to passion has always been an issue for me because I have been fueled by doing and being "right". I will observe what it is I like, see how it is done correctly, and what mastery looks, feels, sounds, tastes and smells like. If I cannot replicate this I will not go public with it or be caught attempting perfection. Truth of the matter, doing this for everything I love or want to do sucks. It prevents spontaneity, and is the cause of missed opportunities because I won't let go and try. There is not way I can get to step two until I conquer this fear of public shame, and being made fun of. It has taken me most of my life to acknowledge this. However, I am about to be a mother and I don't want my child to be bound the way I have been for so many years. My passions are singing, playing an instrument, art, learning languages, and being around people. I have denied myself these things for so long. Singing I do often, but in the background position. Playing an instrument I have put down all together. Art...I have yet to decorate one room in my house with my art. I have stopped struggling with other languages but the feel the calling to do so daily so that I can communicate with more people. I feel a piece of me dying everyday I don't connect with one of these passions. I will take my life back...no time like the present.
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